Middle Earth Graphiti
by Moonfire
Summary: Even the Shire and the ethereal Golden Wood is not safe from random scrawls.
1. Default Chapter

Lord of the Rings Graphiti: Part One  
  
Scrawled at the top of the Stone of Orthanc in spidery writing: "I survived the Tower of Saruman and all I got was this stupid T-shirt!"  
  
Under that, in rigid, more deeply carved letters: "Indeed, Gandalf the GREY, and I'm sending my Uruk-Hai to rip it right off you!"  
  
On the Party Tree at Bag End: "Frodo has Ring around the collar."  
  
On Gandalf's staff: "My other staff is a broom."  
  
On Frodo's pipe: "Stud Hobbit."  
  
On the back of Sam's gardening wagon: "Horn broken, watch for finger."  
  
On the side of Bill the Pony's hoof: "If found, return to Sam Gamgee, Gardening God, Bagshot Row, the Shire."  
  
On the side of Merry's tankard: "This vessel has doubled as an urn."  
Underneath that: "You don't scare me, Pippin." 


	2. Middle Earth Graphiti: Part 2

Middle Earth Graphiti: Part 2  
  
Scrawled on a table at the Prancing Pony: "Butterbur's ale has good head."  
  
On a mallorn tree on the outskirts of Lorien: "Legolas is an axe-kissing dwarf lover."  
Under that, in thin carvings evident of a bowknife: "Haldir, you carve so loud I can shoot YOU in the dark!"  
Under that, next to a pockmark from a recent arrow: "Too late..."  
  
In discreet Elvish letters on the inside of a Lorien swan boat: "Celeborn wears a rug."  
  
Written with a small finger on the back of Gandalf's cloak: "WASH ME!"  
  
On the pedestal of Galadriel's Mirror: "A woman who has PMS and ESP is a bitch who knows everything!"  
  
On the side of the Last Homely Toilet in Rivendell: "An elf always aims straight and true."  
  
On Balin's Tomb in Moria: "He was in no hurry...he was on his way to work!"  
  
On one of the cave walls in Moria: "I love Orcs, they taste just like chicken!"  
Under that, next to a pile of bones in clawmarks: "Dwarf...the OTHER white meat."  
  
On one of the horns of a gargoyle at Saruman's Orthanc tower: "Horny old bastard."  
  
On the back of one of the Shire wagons: "Shaggin' Wagon."  
In answer to that: "YEAH BABY!"  
And to that: "We all know it's you, Merry."  
  
On the wooden handle of one of Sam's gardening tools: "Sam is Mass spelled backwards."  
On the other side: "Learn to spell, Nippipp...I mean Pippin."  
  
On the bottom of a sack of Gandalf's smoking weed in pen: "Laced with Viagra."  
  
On the leg of Bilbo's old chair: "This old butt's been there and back again."  
  
On Frodo's knapsack: "I see dead people."  
  
The REAL message on the Ring: "If found, return to Voldemort..." 


	3. Middle Earth Graphiti Part 3: The Shire

Middle Earth Graphiti Part 3: The Shire  
  
In the dirt of Sam's garden: "Sam smokes Longbottom Greenleaf."  
  
With breadcrumbs in a pond: "Odo Proudfoot's feet reek, and so does this pond."  
  
On a pair of flapping longjohns in ink on a branch high atop the Party Tree: PIPPIN'S  
  
On the other side: MERRY'S  
  
On Frodo's teakettle, etched finely: "Orcs get me steamed."  
  
In Farmer Maggot's cornfield, in husks arrayed on the ground: "Maggot fakes crop circles."  
  
Under that: "I'm sending my dogs after you skallywags!"  
  
Inside Ortho Sackville-Baggins' wagon in flour: "If Ortho dosen't stop stealing Mr. Baggins' silver, he's going to need an Ortho-dontist."  
  
On the door at Bag End: "No solicitors, missionaries, cross-dressing Elves, Ringwraiths in tutus or Rings of Power."  
  
On Sam's butt on a big pink rose: ROSIE  
  
On one of the wooden slats on the mill: "Frodo uses the Ring to hold on his glow in the dark rubbers."  
  
Under that: "And he uses Hair Club for Hobbits....on his FEET!" 


	4. Middle Earth Graphiti Part 4: Bree

Middle Earth Graphiti Part 4: Bree(with some Shire thrown in)  
  
On the back of Frodo and Sam's boat: "Driver carries only costume jewlery."  
  
On Bilbo's No Admittance sign: "Like THIS is going to keep anyone out."  
Under that, in Gandalf's writing: "Yes, but my wizard's staff WILL!"  
(both above are credited to StarlingSilver8...the rest are mine)  
  
On Bill Ferny's gate: "One wretched pony and a grouchy old man live here."  
  
Also, on Bill's gate(no, not Bill Gates!): "And I'll get more than grouchy if you pass without my permission!"  
  
On the edge of the counter at the Prancing Pony: "The Hell's Angels were here."  
  
In the ye olde outhouse stalls: "For a good time, message Mr. Richard(Dick) Hurtz, 69 Trickturn Lane, Bree."  
  
On another stall: "Attention all Istari! Orc slaves for sale, domesticated and charmed to obey. Pottytrained. Message Saruman of Many Colors, Orthanc Tower, Isengard. Will be willing to trade for Longbottom Leaf."  
  
On another stall: "Eowyn loves Aragorn."  
Beneath that: "I fear 'tis the fair Arwen who has my heart, my Lady, as I told thee."  
Beneath that, in more shaky writing: "Then suffer the vengence of my sword on our next meeting, Dunedain!"  
Under that: "!!!!!!!!!"  
  
In yet another stall: "Where's the beef?"  
Under that: "You don't want to know."  
  
On a table frequented by Aragorn: "Stop putting your feet on my table, Strider!"  
And under that: "Strider shags Elves."  
  
On the sign of the Prancing Pony, under the letters: "The Badass Black Rider"  
  
In the room the Hobbits and Aragorn stayed in: "We know where you are. And we know what you're wearing."  
  
On Barliman's shot glass: "Bottoms and Chins Up."  
  
On another sign on the door of the Prancing Pony: "No shoes, no shirt, no insurance, no service!"  
  
On Nob's big red nose: "Emergency Stress Button." 


	5. Middle Earth Graphiti Part 5, Cirith Ung...

Middle Earth Graphiti: Chapter 5, Cirith Ungol(Orc Tower, Mordor)  
  
Just inside the gate: "Elves and Men are white meat, Dwarves are dark, Hobbits are Spam!"  
  
In one of the tunnels: "Gorbag luvs Shelob."  
Under that: "She luvs you too, for a snack!"  
  
Near one of the stairwells: "Shagrat wears a pink thong."  
Under that lies the slashed body of the author of above.  
  
On the inside of an orc shield: "I love my Mommy"  
  
Tattooed on the arm of Snaga: A tattoo of Marilyn Manson(who do YOU serve?)  
  
On another tunnel: "N'Sync ROCKS!"  
Beneath that: "You DIE!"  
  
In clawmarks on another wall: "I need caffeene."  
Further along: "I need leather."  
Under that: "I need underwear that dosen't get skidmarks."  
  
On yet another wall: "Shagrat shags Elves."  
Under that: "Sharpen your claws somewhere else, Snaga or I'll sharpen them on YOU!"  
  
And another: "Isengard suxs."  
Under that: "At least they have indoor plumbing."  
And that: "Ar, you wimp!"  
  
In one of the upper rooms: "Real orcs drink herbal tea."  
  
In another: "Got milk?"  
Under that: "Got Hobbit?" 


End file.
